THE 3 C’S:

                                     You didn’t Cause it;

                                     You can’t Control it;

                                     You can’t Cure it.

Part of the process of coming to terms with the addiction of someone you love, is a

period of blaming yourself, and believing that there might have been something you

could have done to prevent it. I unpacked the 3 C’s that I learnt about at TOUGHLOVE^®

in order to get a better perspective of my role in my daughter’s addiction.

1. You didn’t cause it:

I remember going through a time of examining what I had, or hadn’t done as a mother,

that may have caused my daughter to start taking drugs. When I heard a recovering

addict sharing at one of the TOUGHLOVE^® meetings how it wouldn’t have mattered what

his parents did or didn’t do, he would still have used, I started to understand that I was

no more than a bystander in this drama. It was my daughter’s choice, no matter what

her life circumstances had been, to start taking drugs.

Learning about the social pressure and acceptability of doing drugs enabled me to gain an understanding of what our youngsters face. My daughter started taking drugs with her

boyfriend of that time who strongly influenced her (starting with Ecstasy and spiralling

through Magic Mushrooms, GHB, Crystal Meth, Khat and Cocaine); yet I cannot take the

easy way out by laying the blame squarely at his door – she could have said NO.

2. You can’t control it:

I am often asked what I would have done if I had learnt of her drug abuse before the

crisis which forced her to face her addiction. The reality is that there is nothing that

I could effectively have done to stop her behaviour, other than join a TOUGHLOVE^® group

and start learning about the valuable tools that would empower me in an untenable

situation.

One of the light bulb moments I experienced was in connection with my daughter coming

home in the early hours of the mornings after a night out:- 3 or 4 am. I felt

helpless, and spent many nights unable to sleep until I heard her staggering in. I learnt

through TOUGHLOVE^® that I was entitled to set firmer terms for her living in my home,

including a curfew so that I could get a decent night’s sleep, no matter that she was

over 21. I began to take control of my home environment a step at a time, and it

felt good!

Once she had left rehab, I found myself trying to control her recovery. As long as she was attending her NA groups, seeing her therapist and doing Twelve Step work, I was safe.

My world was contained and I could prevent my carefully constructed peace from being

disturbed. Finally facing the fact that it was only my own recovery I could control, and

having to let go of my investment in hers, enabled me to gain authentic peace.

3. You can’t cure it:

I can’t say with conviction that my daughter will never take drugs again. The road of

recovery is one that she chooses to walk each day. Yes, my fears are rekindled if I see

her stressed or depressed, and wonder what it may lead to, but I have worked on my own

recovery enough to maintain a degree of ‘disinvestment’ in her choices. I know that I

am more empowered than I was previously, and I know that with my group’s support I

would be able to weather any crisis better than before.

Walking this journey with someone you love having the disease of addiction is not easy.

It takes courage, humility, wisdom and strength. It has moments of vulnerability and

pain, but above all else it says much for the sheer survival spirit that we parents have

within. Nobody can call us quitters!

My peace and hope for her future lies in this excerpt from the Narcotics Anonymous

manual:

“We cannot change the nature of the addict or addiction. We can help to change the old

lie “Once an addict, always an addict”, by striving to make recovery more available.

God, help us to remember this difference.”