When we hear about teenage runaways we think of harsh families filled with

drunkenness and poverty, physical and sexual abuse, and parents who don’t

want their children. We think of teenagers forced into prostitution, drugs, crime

and early death, kids who are victims of uncaring, hurtful parents. They are kids

who come from mean homes, kids who need to be mean to survive on cold city

streets, kids, who out of desperation, choose desperate lives. Many of these

young people run away from harsh environments to a fantasy of glamour,

adventure and freedom. They end up, though, not with their fantasies, but in

the dirt of the streets as pimps, whores, druggies, thieves, hustlers and corpses.

These are haunting images.

There are other kids out here, not running away from something, but running to

something. Something they call partying. They come from families that care about

them, from loving homes, wealthy, middle class, poor – all races. Parents often

desperately say: “My kid comes and goes”. Most parents have gone the route of

counselors, psychiatrists, special schools, etc., but nothing seems to help. His

friends all look like bums and he fits in with them like a glove. The families fear

the dangers of their kids’ choices, while their kids see only excitement and fun.

These kids are busy partying, doing drugs, skipping school, shoplifting, hitchhiking,

having sex and making believe they are adults. These young people are called “run

to’s” because they are running to partying and to where they get the least hassle.

When the streets get tough they come home, but want to dictate the terms on

which they will come home. When home becomes a bother, they leave again.

A run-to stays around the neighborhood or takes to the road, often phoning home to

ask for something. The run-to has a network of resources and can find a place to

stay almost any night. They represent themselves as polite, nice kids who have

troubles at home. The media and public are all too ready to accept that whatever

the kid says is fact without considering that they may lie or distort the truth for

their own purposes. They assume that if the kid runs away, the parents must be

doing something wrong.

Kids stay out because staying out is easy and as long as it stays easy the run-to

stays out. Eventually the run-to gets tired or runs into too much hassle and heads

back home.

Run-to’s can develop unhealthy, dangerous lifestyles – hanging out with sleazy

people, stealing for income, trading sex for drugs. Sometimes they die as

victims of violence, drunken driving or bad drugs. Run-to’s face risks, but until

they experience the negative consequences of their lifestyle it’s the parents

who suffer.

Few of us expect to have children who run away. Most of us think of ourselves as

responsible, caring adults, not ogres who drive our kids onto the streets, but when

it happens even the strongest parents are shaken. We lose confidence in ourselves

and search our souls for the reasons for our child’s actions. We feel frightened,

ashamed, guilty, but most of all we feel helpless. We are willing to forgive them

and indulge them to somehow keep them home and safe.

As parents of run-to’s we become so anxious to please our kids, to show them that

we love them and to receive their love in return. We succumb and cater to our kids

so they will want to stay home and grow up in ways we think will help them. We think

that if we give enough or act loving enough or hurt enough or angry enough, the kids

will stay. Despite all our efforts the kids don’t see or hear us. Their eyes and minds

are elsewhere, thinking about good times on the street, partying, and excitement.

Kids use their running away as a threat, as a manipulative tool. When a child in his

or her teens runs away from home, we panic. We envisage the worst – sordid street

scenes fill our minds. Threats to run away terrorize us, we feel blackmailed. So when

our child comes home, we surrender our confidence and dignity to prevent the reality

of our fears.

Kids run away for a variety of reasons:

• Abuse
• Drugs and partying
• Won’t manage their lives at home, school or work
• Won’t face problems they have created for themselves
• Won’t stand the pain and anxiety of growing up
• Make impulsive decisions

They simply want their own way, so they leave. After all, splitting, separating,

divorcing and looking for new relationships are acceptable cultural norms for

adults as well as young people. Leaving has become a popular way to solve

problems.

In TOUGHLOVE® our first task is to confront the habit of running away. We put

aside our shame and fear and go public. We call the police or school and discuss

the whole situation with other parents in the TOUGHLOVE® group. Notifying the

legal authorities is the appropriate legal procedure and helps parents avoid

complications with the law.

Changing our responses stymies manipulative kids who know how to push their

parents’ buttons to get what they want. We need to learn to change how we

respond to our manipulative children. Even though we have grown accustomed

to their behavior doesn’t mean we need to accept it. By involving the legal

system and having the run-to’s declared as wards of the court forces the kid’s to

realize that parents won’t tolerate their behavior. It also allows for formal help

in mandating treatment and counseling for the child. It can also provide leverage

for some children who are willing to make the necessary changes so that they can

move back home.

For most parents the thought of confronting our run-to son or daughter seems

frightening. If we fear a young person is starting to live a desperate life of drug

addiction or prostitution or theft, then we want to keep our child home where we

think he or she is safe. We avoid rocking the boat by making even minor demands

because we might break the last tenuous thread and will lose our child forever. So

we maintain our child’s cruel life and our fears rather than take the risk of losing

him or her.

BUT we need to take that risk by saying: “Our home and our family are worth

coming home to, not because you’re burned out and need a place to rest, but

because we love and value you. If you want to be a real member of our family,

this is what you have to abide by.” We provide them with a list of what we expect

of them, which can be signed in agreement. We refer to these as ‘non negotiable

conditions for living in the home’ which everyone abides by. These conditions

include all major behavioral issues but are limited to only the big ones. We are

effectively making a significant change to our own behaviour and by laying down

this marker we are giving the problem to our problem person. We take a risk by

asking our run-to to choose between family life and the sloppy life he is leading

and we get to the point where we accept their choice, even if it means losing our

child for now. The accommodations we have made have already put us on the brink

of losing our child.

Wherever the run-to goes, whether family member’s friends or strangers, parents

need to get all his support people to agree to refuse him shelter until he has

straightened things out at home. If they are unwilling to co-operate parents may

ask the do-gooders if they are prepared to assume legal responsibility for the

child or can threaten to press charges for “corrupting the morals of a minor.

” Many people believe these young con artists and let them stay in their homes

without ever checking with their parents. They believe they are helping, when in

fact they are not.

UNWANTED POSTERS

TOUGHLOVE® members in the United States came up with a successful innovation

called UNWANTED POSTERS. The posters each bore a photo of the run-to with the

word “UNWANTED” in large bold letters. Underneath the photo was the name of the

run-to, the telephone number of a group contact person, and an inscription which

read: “This child is UNWANTED in your home. He does not have permission to stay

away from home, so please do not become an accessory to a RUNAWAY by taking

him in. If you want to help him, call this telephone number to report his location.”

The more parents can undermine a run-to’s resources, the more hassle parents can

create for the run-to’s allies, the more fearful the run-to is that the police are

involved, the more embarrassed he is about everyone hearing about his behavior,

the more likely that he’ll come around. Ironically, parental shame is the runaway’s

biggest asset because it keeps parents from contacting other people.

When a run-to wants to return home, parents have the opportunity to impose

the ‘non-negotiable conditions’ we discuss at TOUGHLOVE® meetings. This usually

cites only three or four conditions for living in the home and indicates that

consequences are applicable if these are transgressed. One condition will certainly

relate to leaving the home without permission. What we are doing with this ‘process’

is we are changing a potential crises (the next time he or she leaves home) to a

‘controlled crises’! We now have the opportunity to change the paradigm by

transferring the responsibility to our run-to.

A returning run-to has a real commitment to make and will need a place to live

until the meeting is held. Not permitting the child to return home before he or she

makes the commitment to change helps the family avoid another round of

manipulation and wishful thinking.

A young person who values his raunchy lifestyle over his family is a young person

who is not fit to live with. His parents are not responsible for his decision to leave

and they need not burden themselves with guilt. People do not have to live with

monsters, even if the monsters are their children. Taking an abusive child back

without a commitment to personal change is not even helpful to the child – and

certainly not helpful to the rest of the family.