Drug/Substance and Behavioural problems

Is hubbly bubbly addictive?

Extremely so, as it has been said that one hour of smoking a hubbly bubbly is equivalent to approximately 200 cigarettes.

Can we take the kids away, as loved ones are using drugs?

The courts can consider this as an option, but should be conducted in conjunction with the relevant police and drug squads who are generally well versed with these issues.

Who will get the kids?

As above, the authorities need to be certain that they are going to safe homes.

How can I see my loved one is on drugs without doing the drug test?

TOUGHLOVE® will teach you these methodologies as we actually focus on behaviours and boundaries in the home – testing could come as a logical consequence of bad behaviour.

I need proof that my love one is using

We deal in unacceptable behavioural patterns; this is in fact the “fingerprint” you use to start dealing with the issues relating to your Problem Person.

My love one is only using dagga?

Never use this as an excuse; (It’s OK they are all doing this!! Is a common response) Marijuana is a gateway drug to others and should be taken very seriously.

Is it ok to have a relapse?

It is quite common for your Problem Person to relapse but must be taken as seriously as the original problem. If however they conducted a comprehensive rehabilitation process initially then these tools often help them to recover quicker this time around.

What will make them relapse?

Your Problem Person will usually have identified their specific triggers in rehab.

Do we treat self mutilation the same as any addiction?

Most certainly as it is a symptom of various personality disorders.

Self mutilation is there a support group?

TOUGHLOVE® can certainly help.

Sex addiction where to go?

As the disorders above.

Sex addiction family support groups?

As above.

My problem person is isolating what can I do?

As above.


Parents related

How often should I do a drug test?

Unacceptable behaviours indicate issues/problems; these should be addressed first in your group meetings at TOUGHLOVE®. Thereafter random tests can be conducted but again the group will assist in the techniques to be used.

Do I have to talk about my problems in public?

Only when you are ready to do so.

How do I know the test is accurate?

The test kits from reputable Pharmacy’s are freely available and cover most of the drugs currently being used.

I want to know how long my loved one has been using?

It’s unlikely you will ever get a definitive answer to this, at TOUGHLOVE® we only look forward.

What will happen when they relapse?

We will deal with that if and when it occurs.

Should I look out for a job?

Your life should not be compromised in any way; you should do things when they are sensible for you to do so.

Should I change schools?

We wouldn’t suggest anything so drastic, but these issues can be discussed by your family and your Group if it is foremost in your mind.

Should we move?

Only change your lifestyle if that is what you plan to do for yourselves, do not let your Problem Person dictate proceedings.

What will happen if my loved one does not finish school?

TOUGHLOVE® will teach you to take one ‘day at a time’, it is impossible to predict the future.

What will happen if my loved one does not want to go to school?

As above.

My loved one sits at home and refuses to find a job?

This is covered by many of the FAQ’s above – by starting to change your behaviour and by implementing boundaries it becomes increasingly difficult for your Problem Person to live in your house under their terms.

Do I pay the bail?

This depends on your progression in the program and their willingness to recover.

Do I fund the fines?

Usually not, at some point you need to hand the problem over to where it belongs – regardless of the consequences. This actually presents you an opportunity to stop enabling them.

Do I pay the outstanding accounts?

As above.

Do I pay for the rehab?

In the beginning this would be advisable; however after repeated visits (and your circumstances) it’s definitely an issue which should be addressed with the counsellors and your Problem Person.


Problem person related

Is TOUGHLOVE® only for drug addicts?

No, we are a support group for families dealing with unacceptable behaviour, whatever the cause.

Is TOUGHLOVE® only for teenagers?

No, but problem family members are often under 30.

My loved one threatens suicide, what can I do?

Keep the lines of communication open with your Problem Person, seeing a trained drug wise counsellor is a good idea and your group will also help you through this one.

My loved one is depressed, what should I do?

As above, this is a common state of their affliction and it’s here that you might be able to convince them to seek professional help.

My son doesn’t use drugs but he’s horrid, rude and undisciplined. Can I still join?

Yes, you shouldn’t have to put up with unacceptable behaviour, even if it’s “not so serious”.

My loved one plays games all the time, what can I do?

It is here with the help of your TOUGHLOVE® group that you can start to put sensible boundaries in the house.

My loved one is on mix-it all the time, what can I do?

Same as above.

How do I know they are going to meetings?

You cannot actually police them all the time, you will certainly find out if they are not, then with the help of the Group logical consequences will come into play.

Should I be taking them?

This depends entirely on the age but at some point they must want to attend their own meetings.

Should I find a sponsor for my loved one?

If they have been to a rehab, then this will occur logically.

How do I keep my loved one busy?

Your Group will help you with this as you can only do one thing at a time.

My loved one has no friends

Your Group will assist you in finding ways to address this problem.

My loved one has bad friends what can I do?

Putting solid boundaries into the home with logical consequences starts to address this, as they soon find it difficult to ‘do what they want to’ all the time

My loved one is only using occasionally

This is actually a misnomer, one soon learns by attending meetings that we are often in denial as to the extent of the problem. Again TOUGHLOVE® will help you to deal with the bad behaviours which they cannot get away with.


Rehabilitation Centres

Does rehab work?

Certainly, but in our experience they need to work the program for a sufficient time period, often greater than 9 months.

Does a six week program work?

It could, but certainly needs to be discussed as their depth of addiction and personality type play a big part.

Does out patient rehab work?

This is usually recommended as a program after primary care has been completed.

Which is the best rehab?

There are a number of good ones, so investigation is required. One is inclined to make quick decisions as the situation is often of a critical nature.

Will a rehab fix my loved one?

It certainly has the best chance to put them on a good path to recovery, only your Problem Person can digest the lessons and the desire for a ‘clean’ life.

How much tuck money should I give?

This advice will be given to you by the counsellors.

What should I supply or not?

As above.

Are there special programs for kids or do they join the adults?

They are usually separated.

What is a halfway house?

Outpatients and halfway houses have their part to play and are ostensibly where the Problem Person commits to meetings and treatment while living in another location.

Should I send my loved one to a half way house?

These debates should take place with your counsellor/Psychologist.


The TOUGHLOVE® Organisation and Program

What is a section 21 Company?

These are companies that are registered to provide services and do not intend to make, or to be judged by, the profits that they make. These “Associations Not For Gain” are often funded by donations and foreign funding. Generally they provide services to various “communities” such as children’s feeding schemes, organisations that take care of AIDS orphans, religious and charitable organisations etc.

Why we use a section 21 Company?

It fits with our mission to provide services to the families who are being disrupted by abusive behaviour of our loved ones. It is run and coordinated by “parents’ who have “been there”.

What is the cost and how long will it take?

Annual membership of TOUGHLOVE® costs R180 and a charge thereafter of R20 per person, per meeting.

Printed copies of the manual, for R150, are available at all meetings. ‘Soft’ copies costing R120, can be emailed to you.

To be effective, you should count on a minimum of 6 weeks.

How can I help my troubled loved one?

By starting a TOUGHLOVE® program you will learn techniques and set goals with which to arm yourself for the future with your Problem Person and the rest of the family. During this period the love for your ‘Problem Person’ does not diminish. Their bad behaviours are, however treated differently.

Am I the cause of their problem?

Never, while they will often use this as an excuse you will quickly learn that they made their own decisions for which you are not responsible.

Can I stop my loved one from using?

By starting a TOUGHLOVE® program you will soon start to put boundaries into the home. By changing your own behaviour it’s possible that they will change theirs.

How do I learn to say no?

Once you are strong enough, and with the help of your group, you make changes on a weekly basis in your behaviour towards your Problem Person. You learn the concept of ‘enabling’, which in essence means that by continuing to accept or cover up for their bad behaviour you are actually delaying the healing process.

Where do I go for help?

This website has a list of the groups throughout the country.

How do I extricate myself?

The TOUGHLOVE® program will eventually get you to a state where you can function with or without your Problem Person’s recovery. You never stop loving them but you learn to be less affected by their unacceptable behavioural characteristics. This change is also likely to be felt and respected by your Problem Person, who may then ask for help.

Who will benefit from TOUGHLOVE®?

Firstly yourself, and certainly the other members of your family, who have in all likelihood been affected by this problem. By changing your behaviour you could effect a positive change in your Problem Person.